The Journey
by girleffect
Summary: In the end, it's the journey that counts. A sequel to Bound.
1. Chapter 1

**Here we go- a new arc! Thank you all so much for the response I got for the end of Bound. I'm eternally grateful to you all! Enjoy and review! XOXO**

Chapter 1

_"I wrestled long with my youth _

_I tried so hard to live in the truth _

_But do not tell me all is fine _

_When I lose my head, I lose my spine."_

_Mumford and Sons, Hopeless Wanderer_

Ziva giggled as she turned the key in the lock, and Tony wrapped his arms around her waist.

"What are you doing?" She shrieked.

"Carrying you inside." He replied, kissing her neck as he scooped her up.

She kissed him back, and when he finally dropped her on the couch, he smiled genuinely at her.

"Welcome home, Zi. I'm so glad you're my wife."

She smiled back at him, feeling relaxed and blissful. "I love you. Now go bring the suitcases in."

He groaned. "Right now? We have nice neighbors, Zi. I'm sure they don't steal."

She smirked and kissed his mouth, hard. "Work now, fun later."

Tony immediately perked up. "Aye aye, captain."

Ziva stood and wandered into the kitchen, and flicked on the answering machine.

"You have 5 unheard messages." The automated voice declared. She pressed the play button and leaned back against the counter.

"First unheard message." The automated continued.

"How dare you." Eli David snarled across the line. "How dare you insult me so? You have humiliated me! How dare you marry Agent DiNozzo, a goy, your colleague, without consulting me first? I had to find out from Director Vance, who thought I'd known! You disgust me! You slut! You are a disgrace! Stop playing housewife and get back to what is important, Ziva. Be careful of getting too close to people- there is always an ulterior motive. You know this, you idiot! I am ashamed to have you as a daughter-"

The message cut off, and Ziva stood very still, breathing harsh, as if she had had the wind knocked out of her. She suddenly felt very young and very very small. Tony appeared from of nowhere and pulled her in for a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, babe." He whispered into her hair.

She sniffled and pulled back. "We should change our number. He will keep calling until I do what he wants."

Tony nodded, and rubbed her arm.

"What he said about you isn't true, Ziva."

She looked hard at the tile floor. "I know. But just because it isn't true doesn't mean he doesn't believe it."

"He doesn't deserve you." Tony murmured into her hair. "He never did."

Ziva blinked long and hard to keep the tears at bay. "I should call Sarah. Tell her we're home."

Tony nodded slowly. "Okay. Tell her I say hi."

Talking to Sarah made Ziva feel much better. Her quiet, joyful voice gave her a sense of calm and purpose, and she hung up and sighed deeply, pensive. Her father was not a good man- she knew this, had learned it from an early age, but had still always craved his approval. Perhaps that was why she'd run fifteen miles instead of his mandated ten, or why she stayed extra hours at the shooting range, hands cramping and sweaty. But it was never enough, and never would be. Tali had been his favorite daughter, she knew this. She would never live up to her sister, forever sixteen and innocent. She wondered dully why he still criticized and shamed her so. Was she really so terrible? So incompetent and embarrassing? She shook her head and mentally scolded herself for going to those dark places in her mind. She didn't like to think about her youth, the shame and the confusion and the self-loathing. She threw herself at Mossad to please her father and serve her country, yes, but also to hide her vulnerability behind a gun- it was easier that way.

...

A week later, Ziva awoke with a hard sniff to her clogged nose and groaned. Her stomach churned and she sat up, dizzy.

"Wha's wrong?" Tony mumbled, pulling the covers higher, patting her leg in the semi darkness.

Ziva didn't answer, she couldn't. She put a hand over her mouth and ran to the en suite bathroom and lifted the toilet seat and vomited harshly.

Tony was by her side in an instant, pulling her hair into a loose ponytail and rubbing her back.

She convulsed, heaving and coughing, miserable. When she finally finished, she fell spent and boneless into Tony's waiting arms. He kissed her head.

"You okay?"

She grunted in reply.

"You ready to get back in bed? I'll get you some ginger ale and take your temp. You feel a little warm."

She nodded and let him help her to her feet and rinse her mouth out.

She slid beneath the covers and breathed deeply, trying to settle her stomach. Ziva fell back into an uneasy sleep.

It went on like this for days on end. Ziva was tired, sick, irritable and nervous. She hasn't felt this way in years, and she had to keep stopping herself from feeling a mixture of guilt, hope and dread.

"I can't miss another day of work." She groaned as Tony stroked her sweaty hair, feet hanging over the edge of the bed.

"Well you can't go in like this either. I'll cover for you with Vance and the Boss Man."

She nodded and he kissed her cheek before slipping out the door, keys jingling. She waited until she heard his car rumble to life and peel down the block before she slowly got up and made her way to the bathroom once more. She opened the package with shaking hands and held the stick, watching the clock.

Two minutes passed. Ziva took a deep breath and held it up to the light. She gasped. A tiny pink plus stared back up at her, and her heart stopped. She began to cry tears of joy and sorrow and dropped the stick to the floor, heaving with the weight of her sobs.

A baby. She was going to have a baby- one that would be hers, and only hers. Her happiness was bittersweet, and she had to take a deep breath to calm herself. This baby would not be Sarah- could not be Sarah. It couldn't replace all she'd lost, but could create something new and loving and whole.

...

Tony walked through the door at 6:14 pm, whistling and carrying a paper bag under his arm.

"How ya feelin, sweet cheeks?" He asked tenderly as he kissed her forehead.

"Fine." She lied, motioning for him to sit down. "I uh, have to tell you something."

He frowned, sitting down next to her. "Is everything ok?"

Ziva took a deep breath. "Yes. I think so. I uh, think I know why I've been so sick this past week. I- I'm pregnant, Tony."

His jaw dropped, and they sat in stunned silence for a moment. Her heart was beating so hard she thought her chest would burst.

"Pregnant?" He squeaked.

"Yes. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but the two tests I took were positive-" he interrupted her with a kiss, and hugged her tightly, laughing.

"We're having a baby!" He cried, a wide smile breaking out across his handsome features.

"You are ok with this?"

He hooted, pulling her up and swinging her around. "Okay? Zi, I'm thrilled!"

She laughed in relief and kissed him back.

"I love you. We can do this." He whispered.

"I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. I cannot thank you enough for the overwhelming response I got for the last chapter. I love you all! Let's keep it up! X and O, as usual. **

Chapter 2

_"And now I'm serving time for mistakes _

_Made by another in another lifetime "_

_Indigo Girls, Galileo_

Sometimes, if she closed her eyes and focused hard enough, Ziva could see Sarah as a new born. The curve of her nose, her seashell ear, and the shadow that her long lashes left on her cheek. She wished she could have had a picture, but all alone in the big, cold hospital room, she thought she'd have time to take pictures later. Ziva wondered what her new baby would look like- would it have Tony's eyes and her high cheek bones, her curls and Tony's winning smile. She dreamed of soft as clouds skin, small hands and a sloppy smile. Tony spoke to the baby every night, his warm breath tickling her skin. He spoke of their future, sang to it, brushed kisses over her belly button. It was so different than her first pregnancy- not only did Eli shame her constantly, wrinkling his nose at her growing stomach, making her eat alone in the small, hot kitchen, but she had never been able to share in the joy of it with anyone but Tali. Had she even been in love? Gabriel was handsome, charismatic, but he never looked her in the eye, never really talked to her.

If she really thought about it, she never really liked him- it was a way to forget, to pretend she was someone else.

"What ya thinkin about?" Tony murmured, brushing a hand over her stomach.

She shook her head, and kissed him. "Nothing."

...

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god!" Abby squealed, jumping up and down and clapping excitedly. She pulled Ziva in for a tight beat hug.

"I can't believe this! It's so exciting! I have to plan the baby shower! And help you decorate the nursery! I'm just so happy for you!" When she pulled back, she saw Tony and Gibbs hugging, patting each other on the back in a traditional man hug. The early afternoon light filtered through their open windows, warming the glasses of seltzer left untouched on the mahogany coffee table.

"Happy for ya, Ziver." Gibbs smiled, kissing her cheek. "You're going to be great."

"So are you." She replied.

"Congratulations." McGee said, and clapped Tony on the shoulder. "You guys deserve it."

Abby could barely contain herself. "Do you know what you're having?"

Ziva shook her head. "It is a little early, and we want it to be a surprise."

Abby nodded. "Are you feeling better? Tony said that you've been really sick."

Ziva shrugged. "I am okay- nauseated, but the doctor said it should pass soon." That was a white lie- morning sickness had turned into all the time sickness, leaving her drained and nauseas. But their joy couldn't be tampered by low grade fevers and vomiting. If she was honest with herself, it was a miracle she'd gotten pregnant naturally in the first place- Somalia had hurt her in more ways than she liked to admit.

"This is so exciting." Abby crowed, pulling Ziva close again. "Does Sarah know yet?"

Ziva shook her head. "We want to wait a little longer- make sure everything's good." Tony supplied as Ziva stared hard at the rug, tears forming. She wanted to tell her daughter in person, scoop her up in her arms and reassure her and giggle, but that news would be relegated to a phone call.

"Let's pop this bottle of sparkling cider." Abby decided, pulling Ziva up by the hand. "It's time to celebrate!"

...

It was early when the phone rang- too early. Ziva grumbled and threw her hands over her torso to sloppily grab her cell phone with clumsy, sleepy fingers.

"Hullo?" She slurred.

"Ziva." Eli greeted coldly, and she sat up, suddenly awake.

"Papa. How did you get this number?"

"Why did you change your number without telling me?" He countered, avoiding her question.

Ziva took a shuddery breath. "I did not appreciate the way you spoke to me on my home answering machine. You had no right to-"

"No right?!" He roared, and Ziva jumped at his change in tone. "Ziva, you are throwing away everything you've ever worked for- everything our country has worked for! I know this cycle- you settle down, you quit your job, start a family and forget what is important."

"Maybe I am finding what is important." She replied, sounding braver than she felt.

Eli snorted. "That is ridiculous. I have asked you to stay away from Agent DiNozzo before, and you have failed to listen to me."

"He makes me happy, Papa. Don't you want me to be happy?" She begged, tears forming as she watched Tony sleep on, exhausted after a long 48 hours at the office.

Eli ignored her question. "There is a spot open in the Kidon Unit, and I have recommended you for it."

Ziva shook her head, breathing ragged with anxiety, stomach churning.

"Papa, no. I cannot."

"Cannot what? Serve your country? Are you too busy sleeping with Agent DiNozzo? Too busy to care about the lives we are loosing every day?"

"No papa. I can't leave. I have found a home here, a good, safe job, a family. I am not coming back to Mossad."

"Do not test me, Ziva." He warned. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't get on the next plane to D.C and drag you back where you belong."

"I am pregnant!" She blurted, desperate. She hadn't wanted to tell him- not now, perhaps not ever.

There was an awkward silence. She could hear her father breathing heavily, angrily half way cross the world.

"Pregnant?" He roared finally. "You disgust me, you little whore! You are not meant to be a mother- you were never meant to be! You are a killer! That is all you will ever be! I will not stand for any more of this foolishness-"

Ziva jumped as a half asleep Tony grabbed the phone out of her hands and hung up.

She sat stock still, trembling and frightened. Tony put his arms around her and buried his face in her hair.

"It's ok." He whispered sleepily. "It's ok."

...

Ziva found herself desperate to talk to Sarah. She sat at her desk, waiting for the clock to turn to 3:30, sipping Gatorade and munching on saltines. When the minute hand finally clicked over to the 6, she picked up her cell phone and dialed.

"Hello?" Chana answered distractedly.

"Hello Chana, it's Ziva."

"Oh, hi Ziva. I was actually just headed out with Sarah- could we call you back later?"

Ziva throat closed. "Do you have a minute? Please?" She practically begged.

Chana understood her urgency.

"Sure. Hang on a second." There were muffled sounds in the background, and then Sarah was on.

"Hi Ziva!"

"Hello Shaifeleh. How are you today?"

"I'm pretty good. I miss you guys- do you think you could come back up to New York soon?"

"I would like that very much. I miss you too."

"You sound sad. What's wrong?"

Ziva had to take a breath to steady herself. Her eyes burned with unshed tears.

"I just miss you, n'sicha. I have some news to tell you."

"What?"

"I am having a baby." She admitted, smiling a little.

"Oh my gosh! Really? That's so cool! Mazel Tov! I'm really excited!"

Ziva grinned. "I am excited too. But I want you to know that I don't love you any less- I never will. You'll always be my first little girl."

Sarah sniffled. "Thanks. I love you too, Ziva. Can we talk again later?"

"Of course. I look forward to it. Have a good afternoon."

"You too. Tell Tony hi for me."

They hung up, and Ziva sniffled, unsatisfied. There was a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach she couldn't put her finger on, but she shoved her worry down and wipes her eyes, ready to work.


	3. Chapter 3

**Whoa, folks. I can't thank you all enough. Sorry this took so long- I've spent many a night wrestling with this uncooperative piece. So much love to you all! Review and I'll give you a cookie. Xo**

Chapter 3

_"But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate."_

_Mumford and Sons, Broken Crown_

Ziva jumped when her phone rang. She sniffed hard and reached for it. It was 3 in the morning- too early. "Hello."

"Ziva! Oh thank God!" Ziva sat up, heart pounding.

"Chana? What is the matter? Is Sarah okay?"

"Your father called us a few minutes ago, Ziva. Said he didn't think this was working out, and that he wanted to take Sarah to live with another family!" Chana was hysterical, her words running together. Ziva felt an overwhelming wave of nausea and anger.

"He cannot do that." She warbled. "But he will try."

"What are we going to do?" Chana cried. "He can't take my baby. He can't." Ziva covered her mouth and choked back sobs. Her baby. Sarah was her baby, and now Eli was going to take her away again. No. She wouldn't let him.

"Chana, listen to me very carefully. Get on a plane to Dulles. Pay in cash. I'll meet you there, and take you into NCIS protective custody. I won't let him do this. I won't let him hurt our baby."

"Thank you, Ziva. Thank you." They hung up and Ziva began to hyperventilate, and shook Tony awake.

"Tony! Tony, wake up!"

"What's wrong?" He slurred, sitting up among pillows and the thick duvet.

"He's trying to take her away. He's trying to take Sarah away." She moaned, jackknifing at the waist, an origami of grief and fear.

...

Chana, Isaac and Sarah deplaned later that day looking anxious, tired, and haggard. There were dark circles under their eyes and their eyes were red. Sarah hung onto her mother hand tightly, a lifeline in a sea of uncertainty. Ziva, Tony and Gibbs settled them in at Gibbs house while McGee and Abby pored over their computers in her lab, typing furiously, anxiously to try and track down Eli David.

Sarah was quiet- she wouldn't leave her parents side. Not to play scrabble with Ziva, not to watch TV with Tony or even work on the boat with Gibbs. It hurt Ziva's feelings to watch her daughter so distant, so afraid and young. It was like they hadn't bonded in the past few months at all, and the empty space in her chest ached to be filled by Sarah's giggles and tight hugs.

"Excuse me." Ziva finally said, and left the living room where she had been pursuing a magazine, unable to contain herself any longer. Her bottom lip trembled and she ran for the bathroom. She sank to the floor and heaved great sobs, her uselessness suffocating her.

"Ziva? Can I come in?" Chana called through the door timidly. Ziva sighed heavily and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "Yes." She replied finally. Chana slinked through the door, expression somber and apologetic. She sat next to her, leaning against the tub.

"I'm sorry Sarah's so distant, Ziva. This is really scaring her, and I don't think she knows how to cope. But she loves you so much- you're an integral part of her life."

"Perhaps I should not be." Ziva said lowly, guiltily. "My father is only threatening to take her away because we have been getting to know each other. It is my fault. He does not want me to be a mother, a wife- he wants me to be a soldier."

Chana took Ziva's clammy hand in her own. "Do not talk like that. Your father is not a good man- but none of this is your fault. You have done nothing but love and cherish Sarah and enrich her life. Eli should not be trying to get in the way of your relationship."

Ziva felt vaguely numb at Chana's insistence of her worth- it felt odd, misplaced. She sniffled and leaned her head against Chana's shoulder.

"Thank you for taking care of my baby." She finally murmured.

...

"I'm not hungry." Sarah declared quietly, and pushed away her plate of shwerma and pita.

"You should eat something, motek. Do you not like it? I can make you something else?" Ziva offered. She shook her head. "No thank you."

"Okay." Ziva whispered, and pushed her own plate away. "I'm not terribly hungry either. Would you like to sit on the back porch with me?"

Sarah hesitated, but Chana pushed her along. "I'll be right here, Saraheleh."

They headed out the back door and collapsed together on the swing. The cicadas chirped loudly, filling the silence that clouded the night.

"I am sorry for all of this, shaifeleh. I really am. I promise you, nothing is going to happen to you- I won't let anyone hurt you." Ziva promised, voice low and calm in the evening dusk. Sarah leaned her head on Ziva's shoulder and sighed.

"I know. I'm sorry if I was mean- I feel like if I leave Ema's side, I'll never see her again." She admitted, voice rising in imminent panic. Ziva shushed her and pulled her in for a hug, and kissed her forehead.

"Do not apologize. We will keep you safe, my n'sicha." She whispered in her ear. Sarah nodded against her chest they stayed that way for a long time- mother and daughter, connected.

"You're going to be a really good mom, Ziva." Sarah finally whispered, rubbing Ziva's belly. "The baby is luck to have you."

Ziva throat closed with emotion and she could not respond for a few long minutes. She merely kissed Sarah's head and pulled her in closer, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. "I am very luck to have you."

...

Gibbs cell phone ringing pierced the silence that had fallen over the house- Sarah slept in the guest room with Chana, Isaac perused the newspaper restlessly, and Ziva rested with her head pillowed on Tony's shoulder. He smiled at their closeness before answering the phone.

"Yeah, Gibbs."

"Boss- Eli David landed in Dulles about forty minutes ago- got in a taxi headed for Maryland."

Gibbs gut churned with violent fear. "He's comin here. Gear up and come by the house- take someone from Gilbert's team in case you intercept him on the way."

"On it, Boss. Be right there."

Gibbs sighed heavily and ran a hand over his tired face. "Ziver, Isaac- up to the guest room, lock the door. Eli's on his way."

Isaac jumped up, paling considerably. While he was accustomed to violence from growing up in Israel, he was a soft spoken and peaceful man who avoided conflict.

"I would be of more use-" Ziva protested, but Gibbs shook his head. "Not pregnant, and not when he's involved. This is not a debate- go!"

Tony nodded to her and unbuckled his holster. Ziva and Isaac hurried up the steps, anxiety making their breathing ragged.

Tony swallowed loudly and ran a hand through his un-groomed hair.

Gibbs was stoic, but his heart pounded and his gut churned relentlessly.

A car door slammed in the driveway and they snapped to attention, guns drawn. Heavy footfalls on the doorsteps, then pounding on the door.

"Ziva? I know you are here! Open up!" He called. The door rattled a few more times until he busted it open, his weight breaking the lock Gibbs had recently installed.

"Such violence." He mused, smirking as he faced their Sigs. "I come in peace."

"Didn't sound like that to me." Gibbs growled.

"Where is Ziva? I would like to speak with her."

"Not here." Tony challenged. Eli smirked.

"Of course she is, Agent DiNozzo. Get Ziva and Sarah now or I will-"

"I am here, Papa." Ziva called from the landing. Tony drew in a sharp breath, Gibbs cursed under his breath. She made her way down the steps slowly.

"Sarah cannot come with you." She said, before he could speak.

Eli shook his head. "This is not your decision to make, Ziva." He warned, and she was transported back to the warm kitchen in their old Tel Aviv apartment, shame and fear thick in the air.

"Papa, the Goldman's officially adopted her years ago. Please- let her be."

"I thought it might come to this." He muttered, and lunged at her. With lighting fast reflexes Ziva had forgotten she possessed, she pulled out the Sig she'd been hiding in the waistband of her jeans and took the shot. He toppled over, his tremendous weight making the floorboards groan.

Her father was dead, by her hand. She fell to her knees and vomited on the carpet. She sobbed and cried and moaned, and Tony held her close and whispered comforting things in her ear. Eli could no longer threaten her, but their suffering was long from over. Grief and confusion set in quickly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all a million trillion times. I love you to the moon and back. Big thanks to Mechabeira for being awesome, as usual. Read and review, por favor? XO**

Chapter 4

_"And I walk past my own self-loathing_

_Like I walk past animals in the zoo_

_Trying not to really see them_

_And the prison they didn't choose."_

_Ani DiFranco, Zoo_

Ziva closes her eyes against the harsh morning light and curls in tighter on herself. She feels heavy, leadened, even. She knows she should get up, but cannot bring herself to care. If she gets up, she has to face the reality she's created for herself, the shame, the regret and the strange relief. She'd kissed Sarah goodbye in the darkened bedroom, unable to look her daughter in the eye and offer more than whispered I love yous. Ziva rubbed her stomach lightly and quivered, pondering her abilities as a mother. She'd killed off her last living blood relative- Eli's swayed morals and abuse did not change that. She was the last David standing. There was no one else to have Shabbat dinner with or speak Hebrew with- not that her father would have anyway. It was as if her suffering was contagious- people who got too close died, sometimes at her hand. Pain lanced through her chest as she thought about Ari- sweet, generous, handsome Ari. The one who taught her to ride a bike and drank with her. In a way, he was the most similar to her of anyone in her family- Rivka more free spirited, Tali more empathetic and full of life. She was more like her father and Ari- the ones who had been corrupted, the ones she had killed to save the people she loved. Perhaps Eli was right- she was cut out to be a killer, not a mother. The realization made her feel vaguely ill.

She could hear people talking outside her door, voices muffled. She could hear the worry, feel the tension. Tony bounded up the steps and opened the door to their room, artificial light filtering in.

"Hey." He whispered, and sat down on the bed next to her, placing a hand on her back. "How ya doing?"

Answering took a lot of energy.

"I don't know." She admitted, lip quivering.

"Want to talk about it?" He cooed.

Ziva took a deep breath. "I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I let him do this to me, ashamed I killed him, ashamed I am mourning him."

"Those are all natural feelings-" He began, but she cut him off.

"He is not the first loved one I have hurt." She blurted, unable to contain herself. "Do you remember Ari?" She whispered. Tony winced- of course he did. Kate and Ari were sore subjects between them. They didn't talk about it because Tony did not want to insult her by cursing her brothers name, and Ziva did not want to be compared to a woman whose shoes she was constantly trying to fill.

He nodded, not wanting to interrupt her train of thought.

"I- I killed him." She blurted, sobbing now.

His eyes widened, confused. "What?"

"I killed him! I killed my brother to save Gibbs life! I- I shot Ari!" She was inconsolable, blubbering and sniffling like a child. He put his arms around her and gathered her in his lap. "Shh." He comforted, rocking her slightly.

"I'm sorry." She moaned. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She repeated those words over and over again, until it became an incomprehensible mantra.

...

It was easier to stay inside. Inside, nobody could see her puffy cheeks and red rimmed eyes. Inside, nobody could judge her. Inside, reality did not have to be real. She had been like this briefly after Ari's death- she'd gone to her small apartment in Tel Aviv and hidden away in her stifling bedroom for a few days. She did not eat or drink- nobody came to check up on her or console her. Then she was shipped off to NCIS, her emotions still raw, but it had come with a sense of utter control. Now, she lay in bed in much the same fashion, but someone was always there. Usually it was Tony, but sometimes Gibbs or Abby stopped by. She's grieving, she's angry, confused, ashamed, and tired. She could sleep for months, years even, and still be exhausted. It was both a mental and physical exhaustion, absolutely draining. She could see the worry on Tony's face as he held her close, the concern and the fatigue. He was tired of her, she could tell. Would he leave when he realized how toxic she really was? It was unfair for her to ask him to continually have to pick up the pieces of her shattered life- he deserved to be happy, to be light and free. More than that- she did not deserve him. He was a good man, the best she'd ever encountered, and she was so in love with him, but she felt an odd sense of guilt at subjecting him to herself.

There was a soft knock at the door, and she jumped, surprised.

"Hey." Abby called softly, flicking on the light as she entered the darkened bedroom. "How're you doing?"

Ziva shrugged, unable to formulate a verbal response.

Abby nodded understandingly and sat down on the bed next to her.

"It might help to go outside, get some fresh air. We could take a walk, or just sit on your balcony. You guys are so lucky to have that- most condos don't have them."

Ziva balked at the idea of a trip outside. "I don't think so. I am quite tired..."

"You can't hide inside forever, Ziva. The longer you wait, the harder it gets- trust me." Abby's face was open, remorseful- kind, even. It made her think of Tali, and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from crying again. Perhaps Abby was right- some fresh air might be good for her.

"Why don't we go to the balcony." She agreed timidly, and Abby smiled kindly. "Sounds like a plan."

The air was cool, calm. The sun was bright and warmed her skin. It made her think of how the sun beat down on her face when she patrolled Tel Aviv with a large rifle, and how her face burned, tight and dry.

It felt good to breath fresh air. It made her feel more human, more alive, less pathetic. When her baby was born she would take her to Eilat and swim in the warm water, but she would slather her chubby body with sunscreen first. Yes, a girl. Ziva dreamed in pink, dreamed of giggles and unruly curls and tiny hands.

Ziva sighed, and locked her gaze on the park across the street. The baby would love going there, would pull Tony's hand to push her on the swings and laugh and scream "Daddy Daddy!" She knew Tony was hoping for a girl too, she could feel it. He wanted to have a little girl who would fall asleep on his chest and who had him wrapped around her little finger.

Abby sat down in a sun chair and pulled Ziva back to reality.

"What's on your mind?" She asked softly, a smile quirking her features.

She swallowed hard and took a shuddery breath.

"I don't deserve this." She mused, her voice thick and tearful. Abby opened her mouth to speak, but she talked over her. "I have endangered those I love. I have killed- my father. I have killed boys barely old enough to shave, men with children and wives and families in the name of a war that nobody can ever really win. I let my father take my baby away-" her voice cracked, and she had to take a moment to collect herself. "I do not deserve to be a mother, a wife. I do not deserve to mourn the man I killed."

Abby shook her head, tears in her big brown eyes. She put a strong, calloused hand over her small one.

"Don't say that, Ziva. You deserve happiness- you've suffered through more than any of us can imagine. You did not let your father take Sarah away- he forced you. You couldn't have stopped him. And you're going to be a great mother- I know it."

Ziva hung her head. "There is no one left."

"You have us, Ziva. You have me and Tony and Gibbs and Timmy and Ducky and even Palmer! We all love you!"

That made Ziva cringe. She loved her adopted family. They had saved her, in many ways. But there would always be a certain disconnect between their worlds, things they could not understand without having lived it themselves. Tali was gone, her beautiful mother gone, Ari, gone. Now Papa. With them they took her heritage, her identity. It was lonely in ways she could not quite place. They sat outside in comfortable silence for a few long minutes before returning inside, this time to the living room, where Tony and Gibbs were siting on the couch, sneakers propped up on the coffee table, a basketball game on low volume. She sat down next to Gibbs, craving an fathers love, and leaned against his chest. He smelled safe and calm and like fatherhood. She wondered dully what her life would have been like if he had raised her. Would she be an agent? Or a dancer or an English teacher? Would he have hit her or shamed her or taken her baby away? Probably not. He would have read her stories and pushed her on the swings and carried her on his shoulders so she could see the fireworks. She could tell he and Tony were a little surprised at her sudden display if needy affection, but she ignored it and relaxed even further against him.

"Bye, Zivi. I'll be by tomorrow- the nuns are waiting for me at the bowling alley." Abby decided, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

"Bye." She echoed, feeling vague.

She locked her eyes with Tony and offered him a small smiled. He blew her a kiss and Gibbs snorted, shaking his head before dropping a kiss to her slightly sweaty brow.


	5. Chapter 5

**I am so lucky to have such wonderful readers like you. Seriously. Thank you so much for being the best. I hope you like it- Read and review, and I'll send you a coffee. Xo. **

Chapter 5

"_I'm always dragging that horse around. _

_And our love is pastured, such a mournful sound. _

_Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground."_

_Florence+The Machine, Shake It Out_

The ultrasound gel was like a warm balm on her skin- her OB/GYN always made sure to keep it at a nice, comfortable temperature. It put her at ease as the technician; a young blonde woman whose nametag read 'Ana' moved the stick around. Ziva squeezed Tony's hand tightly and he winked at her before squinting at the screen.

"There's your baby." Ana declared, her voice deep and gravelly, but it carried a smile across it as well. Both Tony and Ziva's eyes teared up as they watched the small blob, roughly the size of an avocado, floating on the small screen.

"Oh." Ziva murmured, overcome with emotion. There was a significant difference in size at this ultra sound than the last one- at four months; she could see the outline, the beginnings of a baby. Her lip quivered as she thought of Sarah, and she had to take a deep breath to contain herself.

"Would you like to know the sex?" Ana asked, moving the wand around a bit so they could see the baby's fingers.

They shook their heads in unison. "No thanks- we want to be surprised." Tony answered, stroking Ziva's hair absent mindedly, absolutely engrossed in the image before him. Ziva saw a million images flash before her eyes- birthdays and first days of school and quiet time to read together on the couch. Anytime she had previously imagined their baby, she always bore similar features to Sarah's- the deep brown eyes, tanned skin and thick lashes. This time, she saw a mixture of her and Tony's features, a sort of enigma with the opportunity to make its own future and personality. It made her stomach flutter with excitement and she smiled, content.

...

Ziva let herself into the apartment and breathed in deeply- Tony had obviously been cooking, and it smelled delicious. Her stomach gurgled and she set down her yoga mat in the foyer.

She found him sprawled on the couch, but for once, he was not watching TV, but reading. His face reddened as he realized she'd come home, and stuffed the book behind him.

"Hey." He squeaked."

"Hello. What are you hiding?"

"Nothing." He lied, looking guilty.

Her temper flared. "Tony, do not hide things from me. If you were reading GSM again, I really don't mind-"

"It's a baby names book." He interjected, pulling it from its hiding spot between the coushins.

"Oh." She realized, subdued. She sat down next to him, a little thrown off.

"Why did you feel you needed to hide that from me?"

He shrugged sheepishly. "I don't really know. With everything that's happened lately, I didn't want to upset you. You haven't wanted to talk to Sarah, or anybody really."

Ziva sighed tiredly. He was right- since her fathers passing, she had buried her grief and guilt under layers of emotional hardiness by throwing herself at work and exercise- she needs to be busy so she could forget. And talking to sweet, innocent Sarah made her feel utterly disgusted with herself. She could not bring herself to pick up the phone and contaminate her daughter's life any further.

"I think you should call her, Zi. It might help. She misses you, and I think you miss her."

Ziva hung her head, her back aching. "I suppose you are right. I shall call her after dinner."

They stayed like that for a while, pensive and somber, until Ziva broke the silence that had fallen upon unit 5B.

"What names did you like?" She asked, leaning over him for the book and snuggling in next to him. Dinner could wait.

He kissed the top of her head and flipped to the first page he had dog-eared.

"Aviva, Liora, Elana, Chaya..." He trailed off, smiling sheepishly.

Ziva felt her lower lip tremble, overcome with sudden emotion.

"They are all Hebrew names." She observed quietly. He shrugged. "I like them- I feel like they have a lot of significance- not only to you, but in what they mean."

Ziva nodded, touched. "I like the name Liora, and the name Chaya." She decided. "But there are no boys names."

"Yeah." He mumbled sheepishly. "I would be over the moon with whatever we got, Zi, really. But I keep dreaming about a little girl."

"Me too." She admitted. "But just in case, I like the name Avi for a boy. I always have."

"What did you want to name Sarah? If you could have?" He blurted, a little embarrassed and nervous. He hoped he wouldn't upset her.

Ziva sighed, vaguely sad but calm. "I was going to name her Eden, but I would not like to use that name again. I feel as though it is just for her, yes?"

Tony nodded. "It's a beautiful name, but I get it."

"I do not want our child to grow up in her shadow, Tony." Ziva fretted, playing with the hem of her sweatshirt. It was tight around her middle now, a bump so small yet firm that it would soon be time to go shopping. Perhaps Abby would take her.

"They won't." He promised sincerely. "It's going to be ok. Better than ok- it's going to be amazing."

"I believe you." She said, and for a moment, she truly did.

...

When she was pregnant with Sarah, she bought a worn, used copy of a baby names book from a book store in the tourist district by their home, where Americans came to by reading material to lounge on the beach with. Her face had reddened as she reached into her pocket to come up a few shekels short, and the young, beautiful American girl behind her leaned over and dropped the coins on the counter. She was prettier than Ziva would ever be, she decided, with a handsome man at her side that loped a long, strong arm around her shoulders. Ziva had mumbled her thanks and headed home. She'd rushed to her bedroom and hid the book under the mattress- there would be big trouble if her father found it. She would have to read it at night, a flashlight positioned just so. She'd mumbled names to herself, trying out the sounds on her tongue, trying to imagine herself cooing to a baby, and then calling after a toddler. Her father had barged in on her one night, grabbed the book from her hands, and ripped it up in front of her. He was furious. He yelled and spat in her face before leaving to go to bed. Ziva had hummed her favorite name to herself, a low, lilting sound in the oppressive quiet of the apartment.

...

Talking to Sarah did make her feel better. In fact, it served to lift her spirits and calm her before her fist day back at work, than leave her with the bitter taste of shame in her mouth. Entering the bullpen did that to her- it felt like everyone was watching her, staring, judging her. She suddenly wished she could have stayed home another day. Tears threatened, but she held back and turned on her computer. She would have massive amounts of emails to answer, but before she could get started, her phone rang.

"Agent David." She answered, voice sharp, venomous, even. If she built walls it was harder for people to hurt her.

"Director Vance would like to see you in his office now, please." His assistant Catherine responded.

"Alright."

Ziva pushed her chair back and smiled reassuringly at Tony, who was looking at her quizzically, a little concerned.

"I am sure it is nothing." She promised, and made her way up the steps to his office. It felt better to walk- gave her a purpose.

"You can go right in." Catherine invites, barely looking up from the file she was reading.

Vance was sitting at his desk, papers spread before him, a pen woven between his thick, calloused fingers.

"Agent David- please, sit down." He invited, so she obeyed, sitting stiffly in the edge of the leather chair.

"How have you been?" He asked, not unkindly.

"Fine." She answered, clipped. 'I am in control.' She thought to herself.

"The girls have been keeping in touch- it's very sweet." He mused, and Ziva nodded. Sarah and Kayla Vance had become fast friends, and were eager to stay that way.

"Well, why don't I cut to the chase?" He decided. "You are a valuable asset to the NCIS MCRT- nobody is disputing that. But having two parents on the same team that handles the most dangerous call outs and works crazy hours is, frankly, unethical, and against agency policy. I would like to offer you a position that just opened up in our intelligence department- you would still work here, in this building, but not only would you have a slight increase in yearly salary, but your hours would be reasonable, and you could still consult of cases. I have many talented applicants vying for the position, but I wanted to give you first priority. I'd like your decision by the end of the week."

Ziva nodded, feeling numb. "Thank you for considering me." She responded, voice hollow.

She couldn't go back to the bullpen after that, so she went right to the girl bathroom and locked herself in a stall, sitting down on the closed toilet seat. She hung her head in her hands and took a deep breath. It was a great offer- probably the best she'd get, and deep inside Ziva knew she had to take it, but it still made her deeply sad and sentimental to be leaving the team for good. Who would watch Tony's back? Who would side with McGee when Tony's teasing became too much? Who would prank McGee with Tony? Who would be Abby's female ally, and who would look up to Gibbs in her place? It was going to be incredibly difficult to leave the space in her life that had gotten her through so much- saved her life, supported her, taught her how to be human again. It would be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

**I am awed every time. I love you all. **

**This chapter would not have happened without the incredible Mechabeira, whose love, infinite wisdom and impeccable eye for editing never ceases to amaze me. Lets give her a round of applause too, folks. **

Chapter 6

"_Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I _

_Built my life around you._

_But time makes you bolder_

_Children get older _

_and I'm getting older too." _

_Landslide, Stevie Nicks_

"Thai or Chinese?" Tony asked, and Ziva blinked, confused. "Huh?" She questioned.

"Thai or Chinese?" She frowned again. "For dinner, Zi." He explained, worried.

"Oh- right! Um... I would prefer Thai."

"Thai it is." He agreed, and went to dial the number for the restaurant, before pausing to look at her closely.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes!" She exclaimed, exasperated and mildly annoyed. "I am fine, Tony. You have been looking at me funny all day."

"I have not." He denied indigently, but she raised her eyebrows until he relented, sighing.

"I'm just- I'm worried about you."

Ziva bit her lip, confused. "Why, Tony? I am fine."

He grimaced. "That's why I'm worried, Zi. You went from being depressed and nearly catatonic to acting like everything's fine, but you won't talk to me about anything. Not Sarah, not the baby, not your father, not the transfer, not anything, Ziva!"

"There is nothing to say!" She retorted, her face growing red. "My father took my daughter from me, and when he realized that I had finally found happiness, he threatened that, so I killed him! I shot my own father!" Her voice rose, and she pointed a finger in his face. "Now, I'm pregnant, and I have to leave the team I love so that we can raise that baby! Everything is changing and it is scary and anxiety producing so excuse me if I don't want to talk about it all the time!" Her throat hurt as she took deep, calming breaths, and she felt a twinge of remorse as his face seemed to crumble, but she pushed that aside and flared her nostrils, steeling herself.

"I feel like I'm more excited about the baby than you." He whispered, wringing his hands.

"What are you implying?" She whispered dangerously, eyes flashing.

"Nothing! I just- I want us to enjoy this- to decorate the spare bedroom and pick out clothes and do everything you've been putting off doing with me and I want to know why." He held his palms up, defeated.

Ziva closed her eyes, steeling herself against the tears burning in the back of her eyes and throat.

"Because." She whispered finally, hand on the bridge of her nose. "I am afraid. I am afraid that if I allow myself to indulge in the joy and the specialness of this like I did last time, something terrible is going to happen again." She sniffled, and he wrapped string, safe arms around her. When she finally pulled herself together, she put a sweaty hand to his stubbly cheek. "Sometimes I worry this is all a dream." She mumbled.

"It's not, Zi, I promise." He whispered back, his breath tickling her ear. "Me, you, and the baby- we're real. We're a _family_." He emphasized.

"A family." She repeated, trying out the word.

...

Later that night, Gibbs heard Ziva's familiar footfalls upstairs as she let herself in, and then the cracking of the stairs as she descended. The look on her face told him she was looking for answers tonight.

"Hello, Gibbs." She said softly. She put down the box of pizza on the risers and pulled up a stool next to him.

"Hey." He grumbled back, taking a swig of bourbon. She'd talk when she was ready.

"I miss him." She whispered, staring intently at the bloodstain Ari had left on her concrete floor all those years ago. She was subdued, limp with exhaustion. "I know what he turned into, Gibbs. But he was not always like that. He was a good brother." Her eyes grew wet and she sniffled, rubbing at her stomach absently. His gut churned at the thought of the picture she had on her nightstand of a teenaged Ari carrying a young Ziva, six or seven, on his shoulders. They were both smiling.

"What is it, Ziver?" He finally asked.

She shook tears from her eyes and looked at him pleadingly. He was struck by how young she looked, and had to remind himself that she was his youngest agent by many years- it was easy to forget, after all she'd been through in her short time on earth.

"I am going to have to throw away all you've taught me, all you've given me."

He simply looked at her, puzzled, and waited for her to go on.

"I have decided to join Agent Phillips team in Intelligence- Vance made the offer today because he cannot have a married couple with a child on the MCRT together- it is too dangerous."

"I know." He deadpanned, and she stared at him, shocked. "Vance called me this weekend to see if I thought you'd be good for the job."

"What did you say?"

"That you'd be missed on our team, but that you have a lot to give, and that you'd excel in intelligence. That you'd excel anywhere."

Ziva was at a loss for words. Never had so many kind words been directed at her-at her intelligence and her worth. Eli had only ever noticed her faults, and magnified them tenfold. The chicken too dry, her grades too low, her six-minute mile not quite fast enough. She felt vaguely shocked by the compliment, and opened and closed her mouth, unable to formulate a response. Gibbs smirked and brushed away a stray tea with the pad of his thumb. It was a familiar, fatherly thing to do and he felt a momentary pang of sadness for two lost childhoods.

"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, Ziver." He whispered. "But I think it's a good decision. And just because you're not on the team does not mean that you are in any way less apart of this family."

She let out a chocked sob, then another, and another. He pulled her close and stroked her hair, mumbling nonsense in her ear.

When she collected herself, she put a hand on her stomach and smiled a little.

"Thank you for everything." She whispered, placing a hand in his sturdy chest. "Thank you."

...

Ziva wrung her hands and swallowed audibly to calm her jangling nerves. She was dressed to impress in a navy pantsuit and a white blouse. Abby had helped her pick it out in a high-end maternity store in Silver Springs, near her house. Her old pants no longer fit her, and it had been years since she'd shopped for something that made her feel good. Powerful.

"You must be Ziva. I'm Craig." A grey haired man greeted, sticking out a hand for her to shake. She took it firmly, and smiled tightly.

"Hello. It is good to meet you."

He pointed to an empty desk and patted the swivel chair. "This is yours."

"Hey, I'm Rachel," a sweet looking woman greeted, shaking her hand warmly. "I'm glad you're here- I've heard lots of good things about you."

Ziva raised her eyebrows, but accepted the compliment. "It is good to meet you."

"Leanne." A blonde woman called from her desk, barely looking up from her computer. Ziva frowned, but shrugged it off.

Rachel rolled her eyes and mouthed 'don't worry about it'.

"Marcus." A rugged, handsome man said, standing up behind his desk, sticking out a hand. "Good to meet you."

"You as well." Ziva responded, feeling self-conscious and utterly out of place. The room was too hot, the lights too bright, and now when she looked up from her desk, she wouldn't see Tony, but an icy blonde with diamond earrings that looked to be way above her pay grade.

"Let me brief you on our recent projects, and then you can get started. We've been waiting for someone who speaks Russian." Craig said, smiling kindly and leading her over to his desk, dragging her new chair over.

...

Ziva picked at her Tuna salad sandwich in the break room as Rachel unscrewed her thermos of tomato soup. Gibbs team was working a hot case, and Tony couldn't get away long enough to eat lunch with her as he'd promised.

"So how do you like Intel so far?" Rachel asked congenially, wiping her mouth with a paper napkin.

"So far it is good, but very different than what I have been used to."

Rachel shrugged. "Change is hard. My son Noah throws a fit every time I make him change his sheets- thinks there's something magic about having slept in them for months. I think it's worse for adults, though."

"How old is your son?" Ziva asked, feeling oddly jealous and exposed. She realized she didn't know what childish superstitions Sarah had had when she was that age, and dug her fingernails into her palms. She'd have that soon enough.

Rachel smiled. "Four. A real handful- I call him the energizer bunny."

Ziva frowned, confused. "Why?"

Rachel quirked her head. "Why what?"

"Why call him the energizer bunny?"

"Because he has a lot of energy- he bounces off the walls. It's like the bunny from those battery commercials..."

"Oh!" Ziva realized, smiling at the image. "I get it now. I am Israeli, and do not always get your cultural references."

Rachel's interest piqued. "Really? Where from?"

"Tel Aviv. I moved here about seven years ago."

"That's a transition if I've ever heard of one."

Ziva nodded. "Yes, but I am glad I moved." She decided to leave the details out- people tended to make judgments, and she barely knew this woman.

"I hope I'm not overstepping, but I heard through the rumor mill you're pregnant."

Ziva looked down shyly. "Yes, I am."

"How far along?"

"Almost five months."

Rachel brightened. "Mazel Tov! Is it your first?"

Ziva kept a straight face, but underneath she crumbled. The baby kicked and reminded her where she was. It felt like love.

"Yes. This is my first." She whispered.

...

"Hey." Tony called as he toed off his boots on the foyer, exhausted. Pouring rain was not conducive to searching for an escaped convict, and he'd spent the last fifteen hours doing just that. He wanted a hot shower and a snuggle with Ziva.

"Hey." She jumped off the couch and embraced him- it felt good.

"What's all this?" He asked, finally registering the mess in front of him. Their house was normally impeccably kept- Ziva couldn't stand messes- cleanliness helped her feel in control.

"Planning." She explained vaguely, and pulled him down to the couch. "I've picked out some paint chips I like, and made a list of everything we'll need, and what stores in the area have them. I'd like to start the nursery this weekend." She looked at him with pride, pink cheeked and happy.

Tony kissed her full on the mouth, elated.

"What changed?" He asked, pushing back an unruly curl.

She shrugged, and he saw her eyes water a little. "I realized that I need to start living my life- not mourning the one I lost. I need to focus on the child I will get to raise, rather than the one I did not get to. I have been starving you, me, the baby, of experiencing the joy of this time because I was afraid to let Sarah go. But she's not gone, Tony. She's where she's supposed to be, with her parents and her friends- and even though it hurts that she's not here, it would hurt even more to not be able to rejoice in this new life."

He hugged her tightly, unable to hold back his own tears.

"I love you. I'm so proud of you." He whispered

"I know, motek. I know."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all. This is a tough one. Brace yourselves, and know that I am eternally grateful to you all. XOXO. Leave a review on your way out, maybe?**

**** Also I am not a doctor, but Google and I are friends. **

Chapter 7

_"But I'll still believe though there's cracks you'll see,_

_When I'm on my knees I'll still believe,_

_And when I've hit the ground, neither lost nor found, _

_If you believe in me I'll still believe."_

_Mumford and Sons, Holland Road_

If it was a girl, they were going to name her Liora Elizabeth. Liora meant 'light', and Elizabeth had been Tony's mothers name. He'd admitted how much he really missed her that night into her ear, and she'd held him while he pretended not to cry. If they had a son, they were going to name him Samuel Tal, for her sister. Ziva loved the names. She whispered them to herself over and over again to herself, and she swore the baby kicked a little harder when she did. It made her feel good to have a name to associate with the ultrasound pictures. She loved to feel the warmth of her swelling belly underneath her palm. She relished in the weight she was gaining, as if that made her pregnancy official. People smiled absently at her bump as she and Tony walked hand in hand to their car after a dinner at the new tapas place. She was happy, an unnatural feeling for her. For the first time in her life, she felt like she was experiencing similar, joyous things to the other people her age. She'd never had many friends, especially not when she was young- she was too dark, too quiet, too afraid to socialize. Now she had friends, and a family- a new concept. She put on makeup and clean, pastel colored blouses to go to work, and felt a bit like her mother, who put on lipstick and pearl earrings before she went to work as a secretary in a bank every morning. She had quickly become a valuable asset to her new team, and her newfound intellectual prowess surprised her.

Sarah was safe in her New York apartment with her parents. They did not talk on the phone as much- it wasn't healthy for either of them. But she and Chana were coming up shortly after the baby was born in May. She wouldn't really be a big sister, just like she really wasn't Ziva's daughter, but they both deserved to share the joy of a new baby together.

Tony was too good to her- he bought the Mac and cheese from Auntie Mae's she was always craving, and rubbed her feet and talked to the baby. They were so hopelessly in love, and Ziva often reveled in the beauty of their normalcy.

...

Ziva woke up with a start and moaned aloud. Her head was pounding like it never had, and for a moment she feared it might explode.

The pain brought tears to her eyes and she tried to take a deep breath to calm her racing heart. Her side hurt too, a sharp, dagger like pain. What was happening? Was she dying? Oh, it hurt.

She struggled to sit up and the world spun, and so did her stomach. She vomited harshly onto the floor. Her sleep shirt was soaked through with sweat, and her vision was blurry.

"Tony." She moaned, covering her forehead with her hand, as if that would cure her aching head.

"Wassa matter?" He mumbled, wrinkling his nose when he smelled the sick from Ziva's vomit.

"Babe?" He frowned. "Are you sick? What hurts?"

"My head." She groaned, gripping his forearm tightly. "My head and my side. Tony, I need to go to the hospital. It hurts."

Tony knew Ziva rarely complained of pain unless it was bad, and he could tell she was in excruciating pain. Her face was pinched and tears rolled down her swollen cheeks.

"Okay. I'll get your coat and some shoes, and then we'll go. I'll call Dr. Sanders on the way." He sounded calmer than he felt. He threw on a shirt and a sweater and grabbed his wallet and keys before stepping back in to the still dark bedroom. There was no time to clean up the sick on the floor, Ziva was sobbing now, face pale and drawn in pain.

"C'mon. We're going." He muttered, and helped her out of bed, into her boots, and out the door into the freezing night.

...

Tony sat in a stiff, uncomfortable chair by the side of Ziva's bed, her fingers threaded loosely through his as she dozed. It had been about an hour since she'd come back from a myriad of tests and examinations, and they were both ready to figure this thing out and get home. Exhaustion pulled at his eyelids, and he realized, vaguely, in the back of his mind, that it must be somewhere around four am.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Dr. Alicia Sanders walked in. She was a pretty, ambitious woman in her mid thirties with big green eyes and curly red hair. She was wearing faded jeans and a stained soft blue sweater under her scrubs. Tony remembered, vaguely, that she had twin boys. She had lots of pictures of their chubby, gap-toothed smiles in her office.

"Hey," she whispered, and Ziva awoke fuzzily. "Let's have a talk."

She pulled up a stool and opened her file, putting on her purple glasses.

"Ziva, tonight's events and the tests we conducted lead me to believe that you have pre eclampsia." The doctor's face was open, remorseful. Ziva gasped, bringing a hand over mouth to hide her trembling lips. She'd failed. Again.

"Now, this diagnosis is very serious, but if we are vigilant we can keep it under control."

"What do we do, Doc? Meds?" Tony asked, voice cracking. Worry and stress were eating at his resolve.

She shrugged, and Ziva tightened her grip on his hand. She was truly afraid, and that scared him.

"Unfortunately, I'm going to have to put you on strict bed rest. I don't want you up and about. I want you lying in bed or the couch, laying on your right side most of the time. Don't sit up too much, and only stand and walk extremely short distances when it's absolutely necessary. I'm going to prescribe you blood pressure medication, and I'm going to want to see you twice a week."

Ziva's face had crumbled. She had her arms wrapped around herself, a barrier if Tony had ever seen one.

"I'm truly sorry, Ziva. I am going to do everything in my power to get you and your baby through this safe and sound." Tony swore he saw tears gather in the OB/GYN's eyes. Ziva nodded dully, and the doctor patted her leg and cuffed Tony on the shoulder with promises to return with pamphlets and discharge papers.

"Zi?" Tony questioned, scooting onto the bed next to her. She looked up at him, miserable, sore, and laid her head on his shoulder. She shuddered and he kissed her cheek. "I love you. We're going to get through this."

She remained quiet, but squeezed his hand three times in a silent I. Love. You.

...

The team filed into the living room, rubbing their hands and radiating nervousness. Ziva was upstairs, finally sleeping after a difficult transition home. Her head ached, her vision blurred, and her hands and face had begun to swell. It seemed like she was afraid of climbing in bed- as if by lying down, it would seal her fate for the next few months. Tony could barely contain his own sadness and anxiety.

"What's with the camp fire, DiNozzo?" Gibbs barked roughly, but not unkindly.

Tony ran a hand through his hair and grunted before speaking. His voice was rough with unshed tears.

"Ziva was diagnosed with pre eclampsia last night." He muttered, looking at the hardwood floor. Maybe they would get a carpet- he didn't want the baby to slip.

There was a collective gasp, and Abby practically lunged at him, holding him close.

"What does this mean?" She practically begged, swiping at her eyes.

"She's on strict bed rest, and blood pressure meds. Depending on how the pregnancy progresses, they might admit her to the hospital."

Ducky clucked his tongue. "Poor dear. She will need plenty of good books, and someone to check up on her for a few hours during the day."

Tony sighed heavily. "I know, but I'm not sure who. I know she'll want someone familiar, but we all have to work, and she already told me she doesn't want a nurse from the service the OB/GYN recommended."

"What about your neighbor? The older one?" Abby piped up, and Tony paused, thinking. Deborah Siskind was a sweet woman in her mid seventies who had been a nurse before retiring. She lived in the unit next door, and she and Ziva had coffee every so often. Tony knew she had grown children, but they all lived far away.

"Good idea, Abs. I'll ask her."

"What about the nursery?" She hemmed, looking towards the spare bedroom. "Ziva's gonna go crazy if she can't be involved."

Tony shook his head, unable to respond.

"We can bring the planning to her." McGee piped up. "Paint samples, pictures of cribs, that sort of thing."

"It will be important for her to keep a schedule." Ducky mused. "Calling the office at a specific time, organizing finances, that sort of thing. She should take up a hobby, like knitting. Or perhaps she'll make a scrapbook for the baby."

Tony nodded dully, and sank into the couch coushins. His mind wouldn't stop spinning, and his heart beat a steady, anxious staccato in his chest.

Gibbs clapped him on the back.

"We're all here for you, DiNozzo. You are not alone."

"I know." He mused, and smiled a little.

…

Ziva didn't like the idea of bed rest. It made her nervous just thinking about it. All those hours, alone with her thoughts seemed terribly dangerous to her psyche. She needed to be active, to keep busy. It was how she'd survived after Somalia, how she'd moved on in her own way after Sarah. Sarah. Sweet, innocent, smiling Sarah. Ziva swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Perhaps her father had been right all along- maybe she wasn't meant to be a mother. The baby wasn't even born yet and she was already putting it in danger, messing things up. She was always doing the wrong thing. Always tripping and stuttering and sleeping around to try and stop thinking. Always bringing shame to the people she loved.


	8. Chapter 8

**Has it really been this long? I am so so so so sorry, my dears. I love you all. You brighten my days and keep me inspired. Keep up your hard work. Special thanks to Mechabeira for being awesome, as usual. Review? XOXOXO**

Chapter 8

"_It's always darkest before the dawn."_

_Florence+The Machine, Shake it Out_

_"Ziva! Come here!" Rivka beckoned, and Ziva put down her crayon to come over to where her mother sat lazily on the couch, her swollen ankles propped up on the ottoman. _

_"What is it, Ema?" She asked, climbing up beside her and snuggling in as best she could. Ema's tummy was really really big now because of the baby inside, and it made her tired a lot of the time. There wasn't enough room on her lap anymore, which Abba thought was a good thing, because soldiers don't sit on their Ema's laps. _

_"The baby is kicking, motek! Come feel." Ziva pressed a sticky hand against her mother's swollen stomach and gasped when she felt a flutter underneath her tan, warm skin. _

_Ziva looked up at her mother in amazement, and Rivka chuckled. _

_"Why's the baby doing that?" Ziva finally asked, not removing her hand from where it lay above her mother's navel. _

_"The baby is moving around, getting ready to be born and join us." She explained, running a hand over Ziva's unruly curls. "When you were in my belly, you kicked a lot more." _

_Ziva raised her eyebrows. "I came from your belly too?" She asked, incredulous. _

_Rivka nodded, a smile playing on her beautiful features. "Yes, shaifeleh. You did. And you kicked me so much that sometimes I could not sleep. Now I know it is because you are such a strong, wild little girl. You run around all the time and are so brave." _

_Ziva pondered this and rested her head on Ema's shoulder. It was almost time for a nap- her eyes were tired after playing with Gabriel Levy in the courtyard all morning. _

_"Sleep well, Ziva. Ema loves you." _

...

Tony padded up the steps and down the hallway, carrying a tray loaded with Italian Wedding soup, water, a book of Ziva's, and a piece of dark chocolate. She was on her right side, as per doctor's orders, reading the newspaper.

"Lunch time." He whispered, and she turned, red-rimmed eyes blank.

"Thank you." She mumbled, and he kissed her cheek.

Tony climbed in beside her and unwrapped his own roast beef sandwich. Ziva ate quietly, and he realized she looked almost ready to cry.

"Babe? What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

She shook her head and pushed the tray away, some of the broth sloshing over the side of the bowl. She hunkered down under the covers and sighed.

"Please talk to me." He whispered. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I'm scared." She finally whispered, her voice small. She sniffled, unable to hold back tears or control her emotions. Lately they'd been all over the place, her hormones going crazy, and with the added stress of the diagnosis, she was more unpredictable than usual.

"What are you afraid of?" Tony cooed, leaning over so he could cuddle her. He had a pretty good idea, but wanted to let her open up. There was a long silence, and they could hear the wind outside, harsh and cold.

"I don't want to loose this baby too." She finally whispered.

"You won't-" Tony began, but she stopped him.

"You don't know that, Tony! You don't know! We can't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that, and we certainly don't know what will happen a few months from now! I have absolutely no control over anything anymore- maybe I never did, and it scares me!" Ziva pauses, her heart hammering and her breathing erratic with the onset of tears. Her head is pounding, and she curses her traitors heart.

"I can't loose this baby." She blurts softly, clutching at the duvet. "I just cant".

Platitudes died on his tongue and he held her close, and for the first time in the twenty-four hours since the diagnosis, he let himself fall apart as well. They held each other and cried in fear and confusion and frustration.

When they finished, sniffling and puffy eyed, Tony sat up so he could face her properly.

"I love you, Ziva. And I know things are unsure right now, but I have this feeling that we're going to be okay. I know it. We just have to work hard. Are you willing to do that with me?"  
"Yes." She sighed, oddly calm.

…..

Nothing could have prepared Ziva for the monotony and frustration that came with bed rest. She'd made a schedule for herself, as Ducky had suggested, but when she wasn't translating documents on her computer for the office or setting up a college fund for the baby, she was seized by an inexplicable sense of loneliness, fear, and uselessness. She spent her down time watching re-runs of West Wing, reading books, and watching the sun outside their bedroom window. That first weekend, Tony had sat with her in bed all day, catering to her every need and keeping her company. Sometimes they talked, and sometimes the quiet was therapeutic.

But today was his first day back at work, and her first day essentially alone. Their neighbor Deborah was coming over around lunchtime to help out for a few hours, but Ziva did not really want her to. She liked Deborah, but the thought of having an elderly woman having to come and look after her made her feel even more useless. She struggled to remember a time when she had ever needed to be cared for in this way and came up empty. When she was little if she was sick, she hid it until it got bad to avoid he father's wrath. He hated fevers and lounging in pajamas and needing cuddles. When she was six she fell out of the tree she had been climbing and scraped her elbow on the bark badly, but had rushed upstairs to care for the raw, seeping wound herself. Therapists later told her that these behaviors signified a lack of a sense of safety. She vowed never to do that to her child. Their baby would be well loved and secure and get boo boo's kissed and cool cloths on their heads.

Ziva wondered, dully, what Sarah was doing at that moment. If she was concentrating on a math problem on a blackboard, or giggling over penutbutter sandwiches at lunch with her friends. She sometimes wondered what lay ahead for their relationship as Sarah got older and Ziva became preoccupied with raising a baby. Her heart seized at the thought of loosing the closeness they had seemed to be able to achieve. Would she love this baby more than Sarah? Or would she constantly compare the two? She sighed heavily and pulled her hair away from her face. She was _lonely. _She considered her thumb and wished for a moment it would still be appropriate for her to suck on it, as she had for almost seven years as a child. Eli would twist it every time he caught her, but he never did that to Tali. Sweet, trusting, empathetic Tali was her fathers favorite child- both she and Ari understood that as soon as she had come home from the hospital, but it didn't stop them from forming a close relationship. Ziva looked back on nights spent whispering under the covers with fondness, and brushed tears out of her eyes when she realized that Tali would never meet her niece or her brother in law. She'd never have a family of her own, and she'd never fall in love. Ziva truly believed she deserved that more than she did. For years after she died, Ziva often wondered why Tali had been murdered and not she. Tali wrote poems and Ziva killed people; Tali got good grades and Ziva barely graduated high school. _The good die young_, Tony often said. She closed her eyes and conjured up an image of her sister at her most beautiful- laughing genuinely in the wind. She saw other things too- a child held on her hip, chubby cheeks and toothless grin, swing sets and dollhouses and family camping trips. She saw her life as she had always imagined it, but had never had before.


	9. Chapter 9

**I am so sorry. I cant believe its been so long. I'm busy wrapping up a lot of things, and unfortunately this fell on the backburner. We're winding down- one more chapter after this. Love you all dearly. Review? **

Chapter 10

"_You are my sweetest downfall_

_I loved you first, I loved you first. _

_Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads_

_But they're just old light, they're just old light." _

_Regina Spektor, Samson_

Ziva frowned when she heard the apartment door open. She pushed aside her laptop and the documents she was translating, her heart beating in her throat. What would she do if someone were coming to attack her? How would she defend herself? Her baby? She reached for the lamp on the bedside table, uncomfortable when Gibbs slipped in the bedroom door, a paper bag under his arm.

"Hey. How ya doin?" He whispered, bending down to kiss her cheek. "I brought lunch."

"Thank you." Her heartbeat was slowing down in his calming presence. He smelled like sawdust and fatherhood. "You did not have to do this."

"I did." He countered easily, sliding onto the bed next to her. He unpacked grilled chicken and hummus and pita- her favorites.

They ate in quiet, comfortable silence for a few minutes before he spoke again.

"Bailey tells me you've been doing good work from home- said he hasn't seen anyone with your language skills and cultural insight in years. Thinks you're a good fit."

Ziva shrugged, chewing thoughtfully on a piece of bread. "I have been doing what I can. I am sure he would prefer someone who could actually come into the office, but..." She trailed off, acid and self-loathing on tongue. Gibbs frowned.

"He doesn't mind. You haven't done anything wrong- you're doin the best you can, Ziver."

She shook her head. "I'm failing already." She muttered quietly.

Gibbs gut churned and he looked at her, feigning confusion. He knew this was coming.

"Eli was right- I am not meant to be a mother. My job is to protect my children, and I've put both Sarah and the baby in harms way. I bring misery and destruction wherever I go." She admitted, mournful.

Gibbs flared his nostrils. "Stop that talk." He muttered, looking her in the eye. "These were all circumstances beyond your control. You couldn't have done anything to stop Eli from taking Sarah- jeez; he might have killed both of you one day if he hadn't gotten away with stealing her from you. And there was nothing you could have done to stop from getting sick. Nothing. You're not a failure, Ziva. You're a survivor." He emphasized. She looked away, but he made her look at him.

"When you came here, you were different. Hollow, damaged, fearless. It was like you were willing to place yourself in harms way all the time because you had nothing left to live for. You hid your feelings by flirting and working yourself into the ground. I know what that's like- to feel like your life doesn't have value anymore without the people you love. I felt that way for a long time after Shannon and Kelly passed." He paused to take a breath and to mourn his beautiful wife and sweet baby girl. "But one day, something changed in you. You started smiling and taking precautions- you'd found a reason to hang on. DiNozzo, McGee, Abby, Ducky, me- we became your family. And now you have the opportunity to extend that family- we're all excited but I see it in your eyes- you've shut down. You're giving up again, like you did when you first started working here. You're afraid of getting hurt again- hell, that's probably why I've been divorced so many times- I was afraid. But you can't- you have a husband and a baby on the way and a little girl who loves you so much. Only when you truly give up will you be a failure. So stop moping in the dark all day- open the windows and let the breeze in. Turn the lights on; knit a blanket, read parenting books and order over priced clothes online- hell, I don't care what you do as long as you do something. We are all here pulling for you because we love you. We need you- tony needs you, Sarah needs you, and that baby needs you. Eli can't control you anymore- don't let him."

Ziva stared, open mouthed and vaguely shocked. Gibbs was right, as usual. But she wasn't indignant or annoyed- she felt a sense of clarity that she hadn't felt in years. She was not at fault- not for any of it. Perhaps life had taken her in this direction for a reason, no matter how difficult it had been and would continue to be. Her bottom lip quivered and she placed a hand over Gibbs faintly gnarled one- a silent show of thanks for a man who had become a father to a scared and confused little girl- a little girl who had turned into a competent and caring young woman with a bright future ahead.

…..

Tony barreled into their bedroom a little after six that night, smiling and chewing on the remains of a snickers bar. He was light hearted and apprehensive at the same time. He never knew what to expect with Ziva anymore, but she'd sounded surprisingly calm and relaxed in a way he had not heard in a long time when he'd called before leaving the office. '_Got through to her today, DiNozzo'. _Gibbs had muttered to him when he'd returned from their long lunch. 'What the hell did that mean?', he'd wondered, but had decided it couldn't be_ bad. _

"Hey," he cooed, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. He snuggled in next to her on top of the duvet- he desperately wanted to change out of his itchy suit. "How was your day?"

She leaned her head against his chest and sighed. "It was… good, I suppose. Gibbs gave me a lot to think about this afternoon."

"Care to share?" He asked, breathing in the smell of her lavender shampoo. Ziva scrunched up her face and thought, and for a moment he worried she might start crying, but she collected herself and began to speak, her breath tickling his neck.

"I am not responsible for many of the things I used to think I was. Not for my fathers anger and abuse, not Tali or Ari's deaths, not my parents divorce, not the preeclampsia and certainly not how he stole my daughter from me. It feels… good to be free of the guilt I have carried around with me for years. I feel like I can begin to move on and enjoy the life we've created for ourselves."  
Tony grinned and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I love you." He chocked out over the lump in his throat. His eyes burned with unshed tears. "These past few months I've felt like I've been loosing you, and haven't known how to fix it."  
"I was never broken," She murmmers, patting his chest, "But whatever I was, I'm better now."


	10. Chapter 11

**This is it, everyone. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind with their reviews- on both the stories. I love you all. There may be short follow- ups in the future, but for now, this is it. Extra special thanks and love to Mechabeira, who is always ready with keen editing skills and bottomless wisdom and love. **

**Be on the lookout for a new, unrelated story soon- It's really important to me, and I hope you'll check it out when its posted. **

**XOxoXO and thank you, again. **

Chapter 11

_"But love the one you hold_

_And I'll be your goal_

_To have and to hold_

_A lover of the light"_

_Mumford and Sons, "Lover of the Light."_

It was different this time around. It still hurt, but it wasn't an unfamiliar nurse who held her hand and wiped her face with a cool compress, but her husband. Tony's sure, steady gaze kept her calm and centered as she rode out waves of pain. There was no shame, no snarls or punishments, and sweet, quiet Tali wasn't in the waiting room. Perhaps she was in the sunshine that peeked through the curtains.

Sometimes when she closed her eyes she felt like she was back in Tel Aviv, sixteen and utterly alone, but she knew she could open them to find Tony smiling down at her in admiration. Tony. He held her when she cried, assured her that she did not actually look like a swollen whale. He talked to the baby and painted the nursery a sunny yellow while she napped. He made her real.

Another contraction tore through her.

"Breathe through it." He murmured into her hair.

Dr. Saunders hands were cold between her legs. "Ten centimeters. It's time, Ziva."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Yes. I'm ready."

Tony smiled down at her and kissed her brow. "I love you." He whispered.

Another contraction tightened her smile. "I love you too."

Ziva wouldn't remember the pain, or how she gripped Tony's hand so hard she almost sprained it. She wouldn't remember the defeat and exhaustion because when it was all over there was her beautiful baby girl, wailing and screaming and utterly alive.

The nurse placed her on her chest and for a moment Ziva thought she was going to faint; Liora was so perfect and tiny and warm and hers. Tears streamed down both her and Tony's faces as they marveled over her perfect features-the best of both of them-her ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, and her head of dark, curly hair. They couldn't stop kissing her soft skin and burying their faces in the crook of her neck to breath in that perfect baby smell.

As she lay against Tony's chest and kissed her daughters precious features, all her troubles seemed far, far away. She was where she was supposed to be. Perhaps how she'd gotten to this hospital room with her husband and daughter hadn't been ideal, but she wouldn't change a moment of it. Perhaps, she mused, she was the luckiest unlucky girl in the world.

...

Ziva watched nervously as Tony tried to fasten the straps of the infant diaper with big, clumsy hands. She put a hand over his and smirked at him with laughing eyes.

"It is on backwards." She said, reaching around him to adjust the diaper. Smiley faces grinned up at her. "The straps come around the front, not the back." She explained, placing a kiss to her daughters forehead. Liora was calm, hands balled up at her head, little legs extending and retracting, extending and retracting.

Tony nodded his thanks and began to dress Liora with extreme caution in her going home outfit- a beautiful lavender onsie with small sunflowers printed all over it. They both cooed at the same time- she looked adorable. Liora had Ziva's narrow features and widows peak, but her mouth and eyes- green, even at birth, were all Tony.

"I'm gonna bring the car around- you ready?" He asked, rubbing a hand over her back. Ziva gulped and carefully picked Liora up so her neck was properly supported. Was she ready? Yes. She'd waited years to be able to bring her daughter home.

"Yes. I am exhausted and ready to rest in our bed." She decided, leaning into his touch, just as nurse Leah came in with a wheelchair.

"We'll meet you outside, Romeo." She joked. Tony held Liora while Ziva moved slowly from the bed to the wheelchair. She was achy and sore and tired, but happy. Tony gave Liora back to Ziva and blew kisses as he jogged out of the room to beat them downstairs.

Ziva held tightly to her daughter as she was wheeled through the maternity ward and into the elevator. Liora blinked at her and stuck her perfect little tongue out of her perfect little mouth.

Tony was waiting for them when they got outside, and they thanked Leah before heading to the car. Ziva climbed into the back seat next to Liora as Tony deposited her in her top of the line car seat- a generous gift from McGee.

She began to cry and Tony shushed her, laying his cheek on hers. Ziva's lip quivered as she watched her husband become a father.

"Lets hit the road." He declared, hopping in the front seat.

Ziva smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you." She whispered.

He understood and reached around to kiss her.

"Thank you." He countered. "Now lets go home."

"Home." She echoed, gazing down at Liora, who was dozing off.

...

Ziva opened her eyes and moaned as she heard Liora begin to wail. She was exhausted. Liora didn't sleep more than two hours at a time, and the sleep deprivation , combined with regaining the strength she lost during those long months of bed rest and labor were taking their toll. She moved to get up but she felt the bed dip and Tony was up rushing to the bassinet, hair rumpled and shirtless.

"Baby," he cooed, lifting Liora into his arms, "what's the matter?" Liora sniffled and settled into her fathers arms, and she saw his face light up.

"Did you just want to be held?" He asked, mock scolding, but then he went quiet. "I know ema does this most of the time since she has the good stuff, but I love holding you. You're my special thing."

He was quiet for a long time and Ziva watched, moved, as he paced around the bedroom, his eyes locked with Liora's.

"I love you so much, sweet pea." He whispered, his voice cracking. "I can't get enough of you. Remind me I said that when you're sixteen and raising hell, ok?"

Ziva smiled and heaved herself out of bed to wrap her arms around Tony. "You are an amazing father." She whispered in his ear, and he shivered.

"I had no idea loving her would feel like this." He admitted, watching as Liora blinked lazily. "She's only three days old and already has me wrapped around her tiny little finger. I... Can't compute loosing her, going through what you did with Sarah..." He trailed off, overtaken by emotion. Ziva shushed him and smoothed her daughters curls.

"You won't loose us." She assured him, as he had so many times in the past few months. "We're forever." As Ziva said those words, they finally became real.


End file.
